Got the 20.25 train back up to Sheffield on Friday night - I had a standard ticket, rather than first class, for the first time in ages (trying to economise) but… I walked as far as the bar separating the two types of accomodation, remembered the agony of the preceding Monday, when I hunted ages for a seat and then suffered neck-ache from dozing with my head lolling over the back. So I turned around and headed back into first class. As I passed the last few premiere service seats, I saw a familiar gangly figure in oversized thick-rimmed specs sitting in one of the seats. I rather nervously looked for a seat close by, but could only find a table with enough space to spread out at the far end of the carriage. However, on the floor alongside my table were an assortment of musicianly flight cases stencilled with the word “Cocker”. Yes, I was sharing a carriage with Jarvis, he of Pulp fame.

Didn’t quite know what to do - I wanted to talk to him. Pulp are one of those bands whose music I rather like, but have never felt the need to own. But aside from that, from his appearance to his lyrics to his Michael Jackson-moonie to the Guardian article on his childhood exploratory adventures along the Porter and Don, Jarvis gives the impression of someone who is intelligent, individualistic, interesting, and probably well worth the chat. I kinda thought I might get on OK with him as well. But still… he must get that kinda thing all the time. And, well, celebrity hunting… it does strike me as a bit sad. So instead I started to SMS a small selection of friends to tell them the quandry that I was in. Mark said “buy him a bottle of red wine”, which didn’t sound like too bad an idea, but still I was too shy. After half a journey of thinking about it, I almost had the courage to do that, but then I walked up the carriage and saw him apparently engrossed in a book, and didn’t have the heart to interrupt. So I thought I would leave it.

It didn’t help that the guy at the table behind mine started ringing his friends “‘ey, you’ll never guess who’s on this carriage…. JARVIS COCKER!! Yeah. Yeah, I just ‘ad a chat with him. Nice bloke. Yeah, says ‘e gets a lot of it and… well, he doesn’t know what to say, coz basically he’s pretty shy. Yeah. Unbelievable though. Jarvis Cocker. Who’da thought it?”. And then, stretching his head around the seat to look at me “‘Ey mate, you seen who’s on this carriage? Jaaaarvis Cocker!” Well, having had to put up with that, I wouldn’t wish any more public harassment (not even from me) on poor Jarvis.

Eventually the train arrived in Sheffield, and Jarvis shuffled up to my end of the carriage to collect his boxes. Now, he had a bag already, plus there were 3 solid looking cases (one of which bore a label along the lines of “DANGER! HEAVY BOX”) so I could see that he was going to have trouble. An opportunity for conversation… (which has obviously been slightly fictionalised, as of course my memory isn’t that good really)

D: Alright there. Can I give you a hand with those?

J: Yeah, but you’re going to regret saying that. They’re heavy.

D: Nah, no problem. My bass amp’s a fuck-load heavier

J: Well, alright then, if you’re sure.

D: No problem.

J: So you’re got a bass amp then.

D: Yeah. I play in a band. Here, <huge cringe inside> can I give you a CD…. (pause)… not that I think that giving you a CD will be some kind of way of getting into the music industry, I’m far too cynical to think that…

J: You can never be too cynical

D: It’s just that, I’ve got hundreds of the buggers, and the only way I’ll ever get rid of them is by giving them to strangers I meet on the train. And besides… you never know… you might like it.

J: Right. Ta.

D: By the way, I really liked that article you wrote a while ago for… was it the Guardian… about exploring the Porter and Don.

J: Oh yeah, actually I think I wrote that for some other magazine…

D: It reminded me of one of those things you do when you’re a kid, that you really ought to carry on doing…

J: Actually, I bought myself a dinghy last year. Been meaning to try it again. Well, maybe not the Porter.

D: I was going to say, if you fancy another trip I’ll sort out the dinghy. It sounds like fun - give me a ring if you’re going

(In the intervening period we have got the boxes off the train and onto a trolley. We’ve now reached the steps over to the ticket office and are somewhat confused as to what to do - Jarvis spots a sign to a lift but “it’s probably just for disabled people and stuff” and I say that I don’t mind hefting the stuff up the stairs. So this time I grab the “HEAVY BOX”)

D: Bloody hell that is heavy. What have you got in it.

J: It’s records. I’m DJ’ing in Glasgow tomorrow night.

D: Oh, right.

J: I’m always worried that they won’t like what I play, so I have to bring loads of records in case.

D: Yeah, and I guess you always need a back-up in case somebody comes up and asks you to play the Birdie Song.

J: Actually, I’ve got a version of the Birdie Song in there.

D: Bloody Hell!

J: Yeah, fucked-up version by a band called (….?)

And we continued to trade a few more inanities (all of this taking place in the short space between the platform and the taxi rank) before climbing into separate cabs and going our own ways (D: Hope you enjoy the CD). I was right, I could have had a good chat with him, given the time. I wish I’d bought that bottle of wine.

Wierd footnote: After handing over the Caustic CD, I started listening to it myself, reading the lyrics, realising that they are actually pretty wonderful, and thinking about that line “Ask Dr. Zeus the way back home again”, which I changed to Dr. Seuss (I thought that Arthur had spelt it wrong, he usually does). But Arthur insisted that it was Dr. Zeus, apparently a character from the Planet of the Apes. In one of those bizarre moments of trivial inanity that we all had, I wondered whether, if he were bored enough to read the lyrics, Jarvis might spot the Planet of the Apes bit, or if he would also think it was a Seuss-mis-spelling. Anyway, casting around for Pulp websites to link this piece to, I read that Jarvis “was a huge fan of Planet of the Apes when I was young and had posters of the characters all over my bedroom walls”.

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