On the train down to London on Monday, I sat directly behind a girl - short, black hair, spiked, thickly gelled, hedgehog-straight. I never actually saw her face, or anything other than her hair. And I got to listen to her walkman (repetitive drum track over-and-over for what seemed like hours - leaning in closer behind her I picked up a little latin-style singing and melody - not quite as bad as I thought but… still… for that long??) I hadn’t seen (or at least noticed) hair quite like that since the 80s. Hair like that goes with a ra-ra skirt and pixie boots. In fact… my god, she could easily be Liz.
She got off at Leicester, and I would have thought no more of the matter. But today, I was on the return train, this time sitting at the end of the carriage instead of the middle. At Leicester a girl with spiky black hair got on the train. She sat down in the same spot as before (this time I was facing rather than staring down her hair-roots), and I thought “is it the same girl”. My mind passed on, but a few minutes later I tied the annoying repetitive drum beat that had appeared on the edge of hearing, with her appearance. And I thought about Liz again…
god, she was amazing, that was an amazing time. Joel and I both fancied her something chronic - both sent her valentines (my first one I sent, I musta been about 13), and both got valentines back (first on I received… but then I found she cut them out quickly and sent them around in response to ours, so it suddenly didn’t feel quite so special). There was no rivalry between Joel & I - we were totally united in trying to win her love for one or other (or both?) of us. Quite a bonding, I guess. Perhaps there was some jealousy, after all, Joel always got attention from girls, but perhaps that was a plus as well, after all, Liz hadn’t shown any favouritism towards him.
Anyway, when I met up with her again 10 years later, it was very strange. Not like she’d changed or anything, although she had a little. More that I had moved on… continents. And she was there with some bloke, nice enough guy but wouldn’t have looked too out of place in a Guy Richie film, tux and muscles, and he had a clone mate with him. And again that was a negative/positive moment - negative: my god, does she really fancy blokes like that, was that her idea of a perfect man all along, etc. positive: that was a close thing. If anything had happened to us, I might have been happy enough and… euurgh, I’d never have progressed beyond the neanderthal.
Anyway anyway… there I was, thinking “aaaaah…. Liz, my first love”, and then I remembered that of course that’s utter bullshit. JB was my first love… had a huge crush on her from the age of 8 or 9 for another 3 or 4 years (even though I never saw her for the last couple of those). I remember one surreal incident… I had seen Half a Sixpence, starring Tommy Steele, on TV (or at least part of it). Something about the idea behind it, this sixpence representing the couple, splitting it, half each, it touched me… in a way that stuff like that probably would touch a 10 year old. Only I didn’t have any sixpences. And if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to split one. So I split something else, some electrical component, think it was an IC, not of the big blocky chip variety, but the kind of pre-whatevered-variety that was fairly thin and integrated into the PCB (coming over like an electronics geek now… I did try, really I did, I got all the breadboard books out of the library, went to Breadboard ‘81, but I blew my 555 when I tried to build a basic synthesizer… short-circuited one of the connections and effectively turned it into a 554, or somesuch… anyway, I was never that au fait with electronics, but I moved in certain circles). So anyway, I somehow split this chip in two, got on my bike, cycled down Jessie’s road, and slowed down towards her house and tossed the half-chip on the ground near her front gate. A week or two later and I was tortured with thoughts of her… would the magic have worked, erm, I dunno… whatever. So I headed over there again, was cycling down the street, just slowing down and scoping out her house when I notice (remember I was short-sighted and glasses-less at the time) those two girls in the street, one of them’s Jessie! Shit, what should I do, fuck, so embarrasing. Feet flew, pedals round faster faster faster, and I sped out of there, one of the girls calling something to me as I passed (it was probably Jessie saying “hey, Daniel, it’s me, Jessica”, but fuck it… I was far too embarrased to hang around and find out). So I got away. And saw very little of her after that. I bumped into her once or twice between the years of about 16-20, which was quite torturing, she was incredibly trendy and studying dance and seemed to be hanging around with all these equallly trendy skinhead-type guys (my hair about 3 feet long at the time), a kinda clockwork-orange theme (surely not real skinheads, her being half-Indian and all that… or is she rebelling against that part of her, or… I dunno? bullshit!) And then again, recently, about a year or two again, and finally it got to reach the point that it did with Liz… my god, she’s not gone forwards… she’s gone backwards if she’s gone anywhere. I still glad to be who I am where I am with who I’m with.

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