Archive for April, 2004

Photoshopping Street Signs

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Jesus, my little attempt at street sign defacement may not have been all that great (although to be honest the sign I based it on wasn’t all that either - check out the difference in kerning between the “LK” and the “LE” in Walkley) but at least it was a hell of a lot better than the BBC’s pathetic try. And I didn’t even use the right font - I couldn’t be arsed to track it down at the time, but have since found out thanks to JC that you can get the transport, motorway and pavement fonts for free here with information on usage here. He also sent me this snippet on the fonts’ origins from www.designertradingcards.com:

Kinneir and Calvert’s designs for British roads were not only practical,
they exhibited a warmth and humanity lacking in signage in some other
countries. The ‘Transport’ sans serif font they designed has a ’soft’ feel,
their pictograms, such as the ‘children’ warning sign, were sensitively
drawn. A lot of the original work is still in use today and, indeed, the
Department of Transport was able to turn to original artwork and layout
instructions when it digitised the signs a few years ago.
Most importantly, the work was done at a time when, in the words of author
Robin Kinross, there was an ‘official will to modernise the public
infrastructure,’ which led it to becoming a rare model of the role that
design could play in public life. Although the Department is still using the
basic design, it has a regrettable tendency to add unnecessary extra clutter
(such as brown panels for tourist information).

The message for us today is how Kinneir started. He looked from the
perspective of a driver, not a designer: ‘What do I want to know, trying to
read a sign at speed?’ It’s that clarity of thought which makes his work a
remarkable contribution to modern design.

Codeine

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Yesterday afternoon, I came down with some sort of semi-feverish, achey type of thing. Am better today, fortunately, but I spent most of the evening huddled up on the sofa reading a book, wrapped in blanket and duvet and with both the heating and the gas fire on. At one point I asked Gill whether she had any paracetamol or something I could take to bring my temperature down. She handed me two of the tablets she’s been taking for her bad back: paracetamol and codeine.

Now I think I’ve had codeine before, but only when I’ve been very hungover. They certainly do the trick, and leave me in a nice warm fuzzy haze for the day. But this was the first time I’d even taken them on a reasonably clear head. My god! Those things are lethal. Within half-an-hour, I was blissed out on the sofa, staring at patches on the wall, my hand suspended in mid-air with no inclination to move it anywhere. I could have slumped in that same position, semi-conscious, for an indeterminate length of time. When I did finally get up, very slowly, and go to do something, my movements were fuzzy and ill-coordinated, but I really didn’t care. I slopped my cup of tea all over the place, but it just didn’t matter.

This is pretty much what I imagine being on heroin must be like. Fuzzy sloppy bliss. I can see now why people get addicted to this kind of shit. But the crazy thing is, these exact same pills are advertised on TV, with a clip of somebody with a cold working away in the office “getting on with it”. Now I can see how they make the office-working experience bearable for the person taking them, but I certainly wouldn’t trust anyone who was on this crap to do any work for me, far better that they stay at home and just get over it.

Scary shit.

300 Images from 1800 Sites

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Interesting comparison of icon use on major websites here.

Westall Brothers

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

I added some more pictures and pages to the website on the artists Richard and William Westall, which I’ve been building for Mark’s dad. It’s a very basic hevily textual site, but I’m quite fond of its simplicity - it’s nice to have a project where I’m not taxed with coming up with all manners of whistles and bells.

What’s Your Title?

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

How cool is this? On British Airways’ website, you can register using any of the following titles:

Mr Mrs Ms Miss Dr Herr Monsieur Hr Frau A V M Admiraal Admiral Air Cdre Air Commodore Air Marshal Air Vice Marshal Alderman Alhaji Ambassador Baron Barones Brig Brig Gen Brig General Brigadier Brigadier General Brother Canon Capt Captain Cardinal Cdr Chief Cik Cmdr Col Col Dr Colonel Commandant Commander Commissioner Commodore Comte Comtessa Congressman Conseiller Consul Conte Contessa Corporal Councillor Count Countess Crown Prince Crown Princess Dame Datin Dato Datuk Datuk Seri Deacon Deaconess Dean Dhr Dipl Ing Doctor Dott Dott sa Dr Dr Ing Dra Drs Embajador Embajadora En Encik Eng Eur Ing Exma Sra Exmo Sr F O Father First Lieutient First Officer Flt Lieut Flying Officer Fr Frau Fraulein Fru Gen Generaal General Governor Graaf Gravin Group Captain Grp Capt H E Dr H H H M H R H Hajah Haji Hajim Her Highness Her Majesty Herr High Chief His Highness His Holiness His Majesty Hon Hr Hra Ing Ir Jonkheer Judge Justice Khun Ying Kolonel Lady Lcda Lic Lieut Lieut Cdr Lieut Col Lieut Gen Lord M M L M R Madame Mademoiselle Maj Gen Major Master Mevrouw Miss Mlle Mme Monsieur Monsignor Mr Mrs Ms Mstr Nti Pastor President Prince Princess Princesse Prinses Prof Prof Dr Prof Sir Professor Puan Puan Sri Rabbi Rear Admiral Rev Rev Canon Rev Dr Rev Mother Reverend Rva Senator Sergeant Sheikh Sheikha Sig Sig na Sig ra Sir Sister Sqn Ldr Sr Sr D Sra Srta Sultan Tan Sri Tan Sri Dato Tengku Teuku Than Puying The Hon Dr The Hon Justice The Hon Miss The Hon Mr The Hon Mrs The Hon Ms The Hon Sir The Very Rev Toh Puan Tun Vice Admiral Viscount Viscountess Wg Cdr

It’s OK, you can just call me “His Holiness”. Hmm, shame though, how about a “His Dudeness” or “His Coolness” or even just “His Dan-ness”?

Pak Choi

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Our Beanies delivery today included some Pak Choi/Bok Choy - I love it steamed with a bit of butter, but was wondering what to have with it. Rowan fancied a Chinese takeaway, so I went searching for some noodley pak choi recipes. I ended up making this recipe for Pan Fried Noodles with Tofu, Pak Choi and Soy Dipping Sauce. It was absolutely gorgeous (though, needless to say, the kids didn’t eat very much). Will have to make it again soon.

Kill Them

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Hmm, <irony>good to see that common-sense and moderation still prevail in the “land of the free”</irony>

Creativity Test

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

I’m always wary of simplistic personality tests, and this creativity test is no different, but it does seem to have got something of the measure of me. I came out slightly above average for overall creativity (67.06 compared to an average of 60.25), but was very good on curiosity, perspective, connection, abstraction and paradox, only to be let down on persistence and, especially, boldness.

Accounting for Myself

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Strange but ultimately rewarding dream: I was walking through an unfamiliar City of London; for some unknown reason I’d been summonsed to a city bank. Finally tracked down their towerblock, took the swift, silent lift up to some unimaginably high floor then ascended a perilous staircase, one side open to the bottomless void, even higher and higher.

There at the top was John Reddihough and Gill. John wanted me to account for a whole bunch of invoices paid by Olivetti some ten years ago, Gill was acting as his over-eager assistant, digging out incongruities. I wanted to tell her to ease off a little but I couldn’t, I felt watched and listened to at every step. Piecing together my memory was a slow and arduous task, but I managed it. I might have slipped in a few untruths, but they were damn convincing ones. I finally felt like I was cruising, so I slipped out onto a balcony via a toilet window for a celebratory cigarette.

There was a commotion inside the toilet, I came back inside to find crowds gathered there, old people, children and tarted-up women. Somebody had just been sick. I went back to check up on John and Gill. They were wrapping things up, everyone had to give a handprint and a signature in a block of wet clay from Guanatamala (a bit like Guatamala, only shittier) as legally-binding proof that they’d followed due process and told nothing but the whole truth. I was wary but–what the hell. As a part of the ceremony, my shoes were swapped for a pair of sparkly red party shoes not unline the ones which took Dorothy back to Kansas. The bank’s staff explained to me seven times what impressions I had to make in the clay and where, I still didn’t understand it. I had a bash, but put my name in the wrong place. It was their fault, they’d explained it wrong, they went off to get another slab.

As I waited nervously, the hallway I was standing in filled up. Cloned men and exotic women from Essex chattered past me on their way home. The crowd ebbed and I was on my own. I tired of waiting and went to find somebody: “sorry, they’ve all gone home”. The manager apologised and absolved me of any further duties. Along with his staff had gone all knowledge of where my original shoes had been put for safe-keeping.

I just beat a couple of stragglers onto the staircase, took my life into my own hands by sliding down the bottomless bannister just so I could put some space between us and bagsy an empty lift. When I reached the bank of lifts, somebody was just nipping into one and I suddenly chose to put haste before privacy. The lift doors tried to close before I reached them, but luckily the woman in front of me had placed a pile of books between them so they rebounded, allowing me to step through.

The lift inside was so much bigger than I’d remembered, and so full: almost 100 people there. As we descended I was aware of every pair of eyes surreptitiously eyeing my glittery girl’s shoes. I still had in my hand the remnants of my earlier cigarette, and I puffed away until it was unsmokeable then ground the butt into the floor of the lift. Still they all stared. I made a big decision, better to speak out loud about the cause of my embarassment than to melt away with it still intact. I explained why I had the shoes on, and everyone felt pity for me. The ice had broken. Somebody over on the other side of the lift started performing circus tricks, pulling pairs of childrens’ shoes from a bag and making them dance on the floor. I shouted out, half-joking half-hopeful, “I don’t suppose you’ve got a pair of men’s size nine or ten in there?” They did, some funky plimsols not unlike the brown-and-orange ones Gill bought the other day. I slipped out of my heels and, thankfully, into my new brown shoes. Everything was right in the world again. I was back in Kansas.

We hit the ground and this crowd also started to melt. I’d finished tying my laces and was about to leave the lift when a teenage wide-lad approached me. I recognised him as the boy who’d given me my cigarette. “Oi mate, don’t suppose you could give me back that lucky cigarette butt?” “I’m sorry, it’s on the floor over there somewhere, but I’m not sure quite where. And anyway, the luck that you make is worth more than the luck that you find.”

Awake. Arise.

I wonder whether any of this had anything to do with the fact that I convincingly beat Gill at chess last night, first time I’ve ever done that (she claims she’s never beaten me before, but I know very much different). Felt good that, especially the knowledge that I achieved it via some sort of strategy, felt like I was playing chess at a different level than I had ever done before (ignoring for a moment that fact that I haven’t played chess in nearly ten years).

Dreaming of Parklands

Tuesday, April 27th, 2004

Last night was a great evening - Gill made a simple but yummy tea of Linda McCartney fake meat pies with peas, sweetcorn, green beans and ultra-creamy mashed potato, while Lola and I cooked some biscuits, a variation on this “fantastic dunking biscuits” recipe but we ran out of chestnut flour, so mixed it with barley flour, and didn’t have very much honey either, and it was expensive organic stuff, so I stuck in a bizarre mixture of sugar, malted rice syrup and an egg white. Whatever, they came out absolutely gorgeous, a bit like nuttier ginger nuts without the ginger, nice and crispy on the outside and chewy inside. Mmmm.

After tea, Gill taught Rowan to play chess; Rowan won, but only because Gill is such an excellent teacher (she used to run a chess club in a really run-down school in Canning Town, and would get all the most disruptive problem children sitting down for an hour at a stretch focussing on their chess). Meanwhile, Lola and I played Junior Monopoly (Lola doesn’t quite have a grasp on the rules, but she does like collecting all the different colour banknotes, especially the purple). Then I played Rowan at chess but, because I’m not such a good teacher as Gill, I beat her (close though. It’s years since I’ve played chess).

Once we’d got the kids to bed and soaked in a bath each, Gill and I sat down reading together: something of a miracle, I’ve been longing to have a quiet night on the sofa reading, but we always seem to end up with the TV on instead, or I get distracted in front of the computer. Gill was finishing off Prozac Nation while I ploughed on with Herodotus’s Histories - I want to go and see the movie Troy when it comes out next month, and I thought it might be handy to get the facts from a little closer to, erm, the horse’s mouth before I go.

I slept in this morning. At around 9am I dreamt of revisiting the house where my grandma and grandad lived when I was young - Parklands in Bowdon, just outside Manchester. They lived in the servants’ house next to an incredible 1920s stately home, art deco windows and curling staircases with naked nymphettes holding aloft globe lights. But what I remember most of all are the gardens - absolutely huge (especially to a kid of about five), six fish-ponds all with huge goldfish in them, we used to do the rounds of the gardens via the ponds. It seemed a shame when they had to put netting over all of them, to protect the fish from the herons which lived over the road. A monkey puzzle tree which astounded me with its sheer strangeness. A rockery made of crumbly white sparkling rock, we used to break small “diamonds” off this mother-lode. A wreck of a car, also 1920s-ish, hidden somewhere among the trees, we would sit inside like gangsters from a Bugsy Malone movie. A huge vegetable garden where the Guy Fawkes bonfire each year would reach twenty-feet high and burn until the morning. The grassy area behind the house where Baphomet the goat used to graze, and where the mound marking his grave was situated, covered in daffodils every spring. I stood on that same mound during my Uncle and Aunt’s wedding reception, proud in my posh shirt and tie and my Pepe cords, the first “smart” outfit I ever owned. The wishing well and the bridge over the pond near it. The two furthest corners of the garden, one a “dell” in the woods where fairies might hang out, the other some outhouses where you could climb up onto the garden wall and sit with dad looking out across the brown fields beyond. And the swimming pool - a big, round, white-tiled thing, it gave me shivers to think that anyone could ever have swum in there, so overgrown with pond-weed and duck-weed, the occasional large fish poking its head out and a duck nesting on the platform in the middle. Nearby was the summer house, with its musty woody smell common to summer houses everywhere. And grandma’s garden, the little enclosed rockery where concrete-and-rock pillars surounded you on all site, challenging you to climb them like artificial Himalayas. Hidden among the rocks and plants were gnomes, we used to count them but the place was so twisty and mysterious that you could never really guess how many might be there. I heard that it was vandalised some time after Grandma left.

The last time we visited was for grandma’s funeral. I think David and Zhero sold the house fairly soon after that - since Eugene died they didn’t have as much interest in the International Hermeneutical Society and couldn’t pay for the upkeep of the place. That world seems to have faded away now, Eugene’s works are still available but the whole setup feels like something of its time which has faded over the Eighties and Nineties. (hmmm, just found another site dedicated to Eugene - fascinating seeing his drawings again, I used to have a load of these pinned up around my bedroom wall, from a series of about 50 that he did, all of them drawn eyes-shut, “guided by the spirits”).

Anyway, my dream was coursing with these memories, but was of me in the present, trying to regain some of this for my children, trying to show them the wonders of Parklands. I ran around the gardens in a dream-within-a-dream, trying to explain to Rowan and Lola what I was seeing. I realised that I just had to take them there. I was about to drive there and ring on the doorbell and beg the current owners to let us in. I was terrified that they wouldn’t. I actually woke up crying with frustration and pain and sadness at the death of this experience. Once awake, I felt so empty and sad, but I resolved to write to the current owners and set all of this out, just to see whether they’d let us visit.

(hmmm, seems that the place, or at least the lodge, is now an estate agent’s)