Monthly Archive for June, 2004

I Am An Actor

Om mani padme hum, what a day!

I guess going to meditation (my first in a couple of months) set the tone. We did a body awareness exercise and then the mindfulness of breathing – and for the first time, I felt I was really getting somewhere with it. OK, so I only once managed to make it to ten breaths without my thoughts drifting to something else, but I still felt more focused on the exercise than I ever have before, and when I left the building I felt incredibly perceptive and open to everything happening at that moment, I floated slowly down the street paying attention to everything around me and loving it.

Then in the evening I had an audition for a new drama company, Next Best Thing. I got in. Not only that, but I got a very cool role. We’re going to be performing Nikolai Gogol’s The Marriage, a brilliant comedy (Will, the director, described it as like “an hour-and-a-half of the end sketch in Morecame and Wise”). I read, and was given the part of, Kockarev, who according to this description is the main catalyst for action in the play:

Kockarev is actually the catalyst for the action. He appears at his friend Podkolesin’s apartment at the moment when Podkolesin is making a pronouncement to himself: “Yes,” he intones, “When you are alone with nothing to do, you realize that marriage is the only answer.”

Gleefully, he realizes that Podkolesin has been, like him, nibbling on the sly at the idea of marriage, though without asking his advice or help. Now Kockarev, jealous and hurt, especially since his own marriage has turned out to be less than blissful, takes over with a sort of dare-devil recklessness (like Nozdryov in Dead Souls ) and with considerable elan impels his friend into action.

Kockarev’s name can be linked to the word for ram, (kochkar’ ) and may indicate that he is a bully, very much like Nozdrev later in Dead Souls. Not only is he a bully, but he is sneaky and revengeful, regrets his recent marriage, and now, instead of advising his friend against the disastrous state of wedlock, insists on propelling him into that state because he does not want to see him in a better position than his own. He is also a fanatic, not to mention a magician, when it comes to arranging other people’s lives. He makes things happen, as Gogol would say, “the Devil only knows why ” . His is a character basic to Gogol’s oeuvre, the Russian happy-go-lucky bully, the liar who lies not from premeditation, but from quasi-poetic inspiration (see Khlestakov later): He sees reality and fantasy as absolutely interchangeable, especially since the exercise in prestidigitation costs him nothing.

Andrew played Podkolesin while I acted out Kockarev. Will described them as “Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in the Odd Couple. Or Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in Some Like it Hot.” The play’s on in October. I am looking forward to it!

After the audition, and a quick beer, I went to the Showroom to see Jim Jarmusch’s Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. It was showing as part of Hallam University’s film studies course, so there was a brief talk beforehand.

I’ve wanted to see this film for a while now. I read Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai a couple of years ago (when Mark and I were coming up with cod-Ronin philosophies for Bradonpace) and, during my research on that book, I heard that Jarmusch had read it during the making of this film and had completely re-written the script as a result. Actually, the book plays a huge part in the film, the main character uses it as his sole guide, and sections of the film are preceded by quotes from the book (lots of other interesting cultural cross-references in the film too, from Rashomon to The Simpsons).

Anyway the film was, as expected, truly excellent. And as I strode out of the cinema into a turbulent grey-and-gold stormy summer sky, I felt like Ghost Dog. I guess a combination of the film and my earlier meditation had chilled me out and connected me to everything; my every move was considered and unhurried, and nothing escaped my eye. I looked at the tops of buildings; for perhaps the first time I noticed the statue on the roof of the town hall (Vulcan, apparently), holding his hand skyward towards the crane which, from my downhill angle at least, towered over his head. I circled back slowly through Sheffield, spotting photo-opportunities everywhere (incredible, I’d been thinking lately how I never seem able to frame a photograph, I realised tonight that I just need to take three breaths before finding an angle and I’ll always find something suitable). Shame I didn’t have a camera.

I didn’t feel like going straight home, but was shy of going alone to drink somewhere. In the end I walked into the Three Tuns just as I was about to give up and go home, bought a drink and read the newspaper at the bar, then a guy Steve and his Japanese girlfriend sparked up a conversation on the basis of my Japanese-scripted T-Shirt (funny, second time I’ve worn it, second time I’ve been approached by an unknown Japanese girl to tell me it’s gibberish). Had a great night. Got quite drunk.

Postman’s Park

When I was in London a month ago, wandering from Waterloo to Liverpool Street via new uncharted routes, I made the most amazing of many amazing discoveries in my years of walking the streets: Postman’s Park, just off the Barbican roundabout, an oasis of tranquility with it’s beautiful and moving wall of memorials to people who had died saving others. I wanted to photograph the wall, I wanted to know the stories of the people who’d died, to re-tell them.

Well bugger me sideways if Radio 4 haven’t gone and done just that. On the radio at this very moment is the Afternoon Play: The Wall, by Rachel Joyce:

Every day Flo goes and visits The Watts Memorial Wall of Heroic Deeds in Postman’s Park. Years ago, when she was a young woman and about to be engaged, something happened which has haunted Flo ever since. Now, perhaps the stories from the Wall of Heroic Deeds can help her to confront the past and lay an old secret to rest.

Absent-minded Dan

Gill and I went to a party on Saturday night. We were out for seven or eight hours. Gill and the girls went back to Emma’s afterwards, and I staggered home. Where I found myself unable to get in. I sent Gill the following text around 1am:

Disaster: lost keys. Ring ann. No reply. Go to house. Ring bell. No reply. Result: find keys in door.

Thank heavens we live in a world full of honest, decent people.

Eay-utt

Has anyone else noticed that on Big Brother (not that I watch it – Gill has it on in the background as I type this), whenever they mention something that happened at a specific time in the day, it seems to end in an eight. This gives the Geordie announcer a chance to torture us with his unbearable extra vowels (don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of most Geordie accents, but this guy’s is unbearable): “Elevunn Fort-ee-Eay-utt. Ehy. Emm.”

When Was That Again?

Rowan said “today at school Claire said ‘I saw The Day After Tomorrow yesterday.’”

Engerlaand!

saabadelic Engerlaand!

(this is only here to annoy Mr Fex)
The day after I did this, Gill vandalised it. She has no sense of national pride.

Writing While Walking

Waaah! I just wrote a mini-novel here, then got distracted, clicked on a link somewhere else and… IE navigated off to that other pack. I hit the back button immediately, but by the time I arrived back here, my whole list of thoughts had disappeared from the text box. I want to cry.

Anyway… blah blah blah writing. Lots of stuff about why I hadn’t done much lately, and how my “novel” had ground to a halt, and I’ve not been writing in my blog because my brain has started to turn everything I experience into a piece of writing and, as MJH said recently (in relation to Climbers, one of my all-time favourite books):

your life *is* evanescent, ephemeral, essentially unrecordable. It wouldn’t be a life if it wasn’t. You can never call it back. You can never stop trying to call it back. The biggest load of cock in the world is Jameson’s description of nostalgia as a “lack of faith in the future”. That may be true of collective nostalgia, of contemporary western societies and their RetroLand tendency (Gordon Burn is brilliant at this): but it’s not true of individuals. The nostalgia of individuals is genuine, worthwhile, as heartbreaking & evanescent as anything else they feel. In some measure, Climbers is about someone having a war with that understanding, and winning the war, and losing by winning. “Mike” is so massively in denial, right down to the tape, when he’s still claiming to have learned nothing from all this…

So anyway, the result was I wrote nothing. But after an increasing urge to write something, and an ongoing conversation with Guy, and buying a Samsung SVR-S410 “voice pen” which lets me put down some of my thoughts when I’m walking, instead of losing them by the time I get home as is more usual, I decided to… write something.

So I restarted a project which Gill and I first discussed about three years ago. At the time, I was keen to write but had no ideas to write about. And Gill had lots of ideas but felt that she couldn’t write them up in a readable way. So together we were going to collaborate on a book of short stories. Gill came up with a whole bunch of Alexi Sayle-esque scenarios, but I never got around to writing them. Well, today I started on a story about a sculptor who hates the people he sells his work to. Took a stroll to the botanical gardens to see one of this guy’s works (yes, he does exist: all of Gill’s stories are inspired by reality), had many thoughts on the way and got them all down on the voice-pen (god that thing’s embarassing to use: I only dare talk into it when there no people within half-a-mile. I think I’ll buy a mobile phone headset and pretend I’m using that, so I can feel slightly less of a social deviant). I even spent a good hour or so in the café, reading Antwerp and half eavesdropping on the people around me. For the first time ever, I felt like I was listening to real conversations, conversations which, who knows, might find their way into a story one day:

[on seeing a chaffinch on the wall of the café] “It could be a jay. Jays have pink bits, don’t they?”

and

“I want a hairdresser that I can tell ‘I want my hair this way’ and they’ll tell me ‘actually, you want it that way’.”

“She’s very good, she always asks me how I want it and I just say ‘do whatever you want’.”

“So would you recommend her?”

“Well… I never like to make recommendations to friends. I think she’s very good but, you know, if you recommend someone to a friend and they have a bad experience, well…”

(this thread of the conversation went on for some time and led into)

“Like that decorator I told you about?”

“The colour-blind decorator?”

(screams of laughter from around the table)

etc.

OK, so from here on in… writing. And research. And hopefully a few slightly oblong short stories. First, the sculptor, then I’d better do some research in Antwerp next week on the woman who lived across the river and became an obsession for the man who spied her from the fixed viewing binoculars over the water. Hey, I’m quite excited about this; but then, it always starts off that way…

England 3 Switzerland 0

Gill and the girls have gone down to Cath’s
I’m not sitting here all alone
I’m going to the Open Shop to watch the match
I might meeet somebody, might find a friend
Walter’s sitting there, he’s Scottish, he’s off
Instead I find a pal, goldfish eyes, talks about darts and his auntie
Rooney scores, that’s a bonus
He’s on my team
Half time. Double Jameson’s. Pint of landlord.
Sit down again.
Score Rooney! Score Stevie!
The match is all over.
What now? Talk to no-one. Down the street, to the Springvale
Punters spilling on the pavement, all are talking, none are talking
To the bar, order a pint, order a whisky, make it a double and…
drink. Drink them both up. No-one talking, none to kiss
That’s what Mark told me to do
But he would, that’s his scene now and
Off home, off to the chip shop,
Walk away and buy food and
Not be sick. Not to be sick. And walk the walk back home now.

Over-Rich Breakfast Bleurgh

Euurgh. I am so going to die of some obesity-related decadent disease.

I just had a bit of a special breakfast. Last week, I made some stuff, kinda like panna cotta, from a Nigella Lawson recipe. Basically, pick some elderflowers, boil them in double cream, leave them to sit for between 30 minutes and 2 hours (I accidentally left mine in for about 4 hours, hence the end product was overpoweringly, cloyingly elderflowerry). Then add some sugar, boil again, and add gelatine to firm it up (I used agar agar instead, worked fine). Stick it in the fridge overnight and eat. God it’s rich.

Anyway, I had some of that left over, needing eating. And I had some gooseberries that I’d bought to go with it. And also some very buttery biscuit mix left over from some baking I did with Lola last night. So I baked a big round of the biscuit mix, stewed up the gooseberries with sugar and water, and combined the whole lot into a sort of a gooseberry cheesecake-except-it’s-a-cream-cake thing. And ate it. All. For breakfast.

Now I can’t move, and I’m supposed to be walking into Broomhill to meet Gill. What do I do???

Antwerp

Today I went out and bought Antwerp by Nicholas Royle, on Mike’s recommendation. I shall take it with me to Antwerp in a fortnight’s time, if I can hold out that long, and read it sitting on bar terraces. I’m not normally one for themed holiday reading (when we stayed in Kefalonia, everyone else on the beach or around the pool seemed to have their head buried inside a copy of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. I spent the holiday reading The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman), but in this case I’ll make an exception.