I just read this on somebody’s Myspace bulletin. It’s great:
When you occasionally have a bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered and said “hello’.
I politely said “This is David, could I please speak to Robert Campbell?”.
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f*king number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone would be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert’s number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the “wrong’ number again. The same guy answered the phone and I yelled “you’re a C*nt!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the name “C*nt’ next to it, and put it in my desk draw. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a very bad day, I’d call him up and yell “You’re a C*nt!”
It always cheered me up.
When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “C*nt’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said “Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I’m calling to see if you are familiar with are caller ID program?”
He yelled “No’ and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said; “That’s because you’re a c*nt”!
One day soon after I was at lakeside shopping centre getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal Range Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled I’d been waiting for that spot but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a “for sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first “C*nt’ (I now had his number on speed dial) I thought I’d better call the Range Rover C*nt too. I said “Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Range Rover for sale?”
“Yes it is” he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Sure. I live 129 Alice Street in Illford, it’s a terraced house and the car is parked right out in front.”
“Who should I ask for?”
“My name is Steven Hansen” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Steve”?
“I’m at home most days as I’m currently unemployed”.
“Listen Steve can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Steve you’re a C*nt”! Then I hung up and added him to my speed dial too.
Now when I had a problem I had two arseholes to call.
I had an idea.
I called C*nt # 1
“Hello, You’re a C*nt!” (I didn’t hang up)
“Are you still there” ? he asked
“Yea” I said.
“Stop calling me” he screamed.
“Make me”, I said.
“Who are you” he asked.
“My name is Steve Hansen”
“Yeah where do you live”.
“C*nt I live at 129 Alice Street Illford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal Range Rover parked in front.”
He said “I’m coming over right now, Steve. And you better start saying your prayers”.
I said “Yeah like I’m really scared C*nt” and hung up.
Then I called C*nt # 2, “Hello” he said.
“Hello C*nt” I said.
He yelled “If I ever find out who you are”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your arse” he exclaimed.
I answered “Well C*nt here’s your chance I’m coming over right now”.
Then I hung up and immediately called the Police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel Five news about a hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice street. I got there just in time to see two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six Police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
Now I feel much better; anger management really does work.
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