Over a Stuck Between Stations there’s a great compilation of all those terrible music videos which you just can’t get out of your head. And, yes, Nimoy is there: “drawing a parallel between Hobbit and Vulcan strap-on ears was a gesture of fantasy brilliance”.
Archive for the 'Funny' Category
Just after I took this photo, the green guy in the underwear and the sandals came up to me and said "what are you taking photos for, paedophile?"
He then started to pull his boxer shorts down and say "photograph this, paedophile!"
People, eh?
I recently switched my mobile phone from Vodafone (who I’ve foolishly stuck with these last nine years) to O2. I couldn’t resist firing a parting shot off to Vodafone’s CEO’s office, detailing my reasons for leaving:
I am writing to you as somebody who was a Vodafone customer for 9 years, but who has recently switched to O2 to due increasing dissatisfaction with Vodafone. I hope that you will be able to learn from my unhappy experiences, and improve your service to remaining customers.
The final straw which led me to abandon Vodafone was being asked to pay for a new handset which Vodafone offers free to new subscribers, even though it was more than 2 years since my last phone upgrade and 9 months since my fixed monthly contract expired.
I might have been tempted to avoid the hassle of changing operators, had I not just endured the hell of Vodafone’s “customer service” line. I assume that you have never used this “service”, so allow me to talk you through it.
On calling the “customer service” number, the customer is asked to key in their mobile phone number. I can only assume that the person who implemented this procedure has never used a mobile telephone: a mobile telephone is generally a small self-contained unit, with a keypad that is somewhere between the mouthpiece and earpiece. It is usually used by holding the device to the ear. This tends to preclude use of the numeric keypad, except for those lucky few who have fingers growing out of their ears.
Having keyed in one’s telephone number and waited for an indeterminate length of time, one is then put through to an operator. Without fail, this person will then ask the caller to give their mobile telephone number (the same number as was just keyed in using one’s ear-fingers). It is almost inevitable that this person will not be able to assist directly, but will transfer the call to another person, who again requires the caller’s mobile telephone number. Sometimes, before being allowed to speak to this second person, an automated system demands that one first key in one’s mobile telephone number. Often the second person will not be able to deal with the query, and so (after keying in one’s mobile telephone number) the caller will have to tell a third operator what their mobile telephone number is and, hopefully, finally get an answer to their query.
If you ever visit Sheffield, I would like to introduce you to my local minicab office. They have some sort of space-age system in there, I believe it’s called Caller Line Identification or somesuch, which means that as soon as they answer the phone to me they can tell me my telephone number. Talk about rocket science!
Joking aside, a company which claims to be involved in telecoms really ought to have an understanding of CLI. A company that repeatedly asks its customers to first key in and then recite their telephone number is not a telecoms company, it is a fly-by-night cowboy outfit. I would not trust such a company to drive my minicabs, let alone rely on it for my telephony services.
The final reason why I left Vodafone is its clumsy and antidiluvian approach to the Internet. In the days of Vizzavi, Vodafone’s Internet service was a very poorly structured “walled garden”. I assumed that things would get better with Vizzavi’s demise, but they got worse and have continued to go downhill from there. I now find it impossible to use “Vodafone Live”, as it takes me an eternity to navigate past screens full of adverts for ringtones and downloadable pornography. The whole site screams out that this is a company who lost its shirt gambling on 3G licences, and is trying to recoup its investment by fleecing its customers in any way possible. Even the recent deregulation of Internet services on Vodafone was overshadowed by the ridiculously high data tariffs.
As you can gather, I am no longer a fan of Vodafone. I am sorry to leave a company that I have had a relationship with for 9 years, but I am no longer willing to stick around in the hope that things will one day improve. However, I hope that you will take seriously the comments made in this letter, and that perhaps they will help you to improve the lot of Vodafone’s remaining inmates.
Yours Sincerely,
Dan Sumption
First, a little background: Lola has recently become more and more proficient using computers and the Internet. Under the tutelage of her cousin Beth, she has learnt to use Youtube, and now spends most of her online time switching between Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani videos. Last week she asked me who I preferred, Avril or Gwen. Tough question. I went for Gwen.
This morning, Lola was watching/listening to Avril Lavigne. Then, she switched to a Gwen Stefani track. As the intro music played, she shouted out to me “Dad, one of your favourite singers is about to come on!”
I had to clarify her statement: “one of my favourite singers out of Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani.” Gill and I couldn’t stop giggling for the next five minutes. We had “a moment”. Perhaps you had to be there…
From the mouths of babes… come a great many amusing, fascinating and enlightening utterances. I never seem to write many of them down here - something I regret because I know that most of them slip from memory all too easily, and I often beat myself up over my laxness when I read some of Scot’s bloggings on the sayings of his son Miles.
Rowan and even Lola are now pretty much too grown-up and sassy to come out with cute sayings. Almost. This weekend, Lola had her hair cut. “People at school kept telling me that I’ve had my hair cut”, she told Gill on her way back from school today. “But I already know that!”
I saw this in the latest edition of Private Eye:
I’d love to get my hands on some of these things and “modify” the script. Imagine the fun you could have leaving them in random bar toilets…
Ever since the age of about 13, I have had a favourite joke. It’s one that’s remained constant over about 25 years. But it’s also part of a series of jokes, and I’ve long since forgotten the two jokes that lead up to it. I’ve even searched the Internet several times - after all, everything is on the Internet, right? But, no such luck, although variations on the joke do exist online, I’ve never managed to track down the entire series.
So I was amazed when, on Saturday night, I started telling my “all time favourite joke” to Marsha and Fay. A slightly amazed look passed over Marsha’s face as I began the joke, and when I finished it she said “I know that joke! It’s one of my favourites too”. She also couldn’t remember the entire series, but she remembered a little more than me, and her additional bits helped me to fill in the gaps.
Discussing it further, we realised that we are almost the same age and must have heard it at around about the same time. Seems that this joke meme was a very short-lived one, so we decided to revive it. Here goes…
What’s white and sits in a tree?
I just found this post-it note stuck to the top of a bin in Crookes Valley Park:
I will soon be doing another model photo-shoot. This kind of thing makes me nervous. I have too much control, and I hate having too much control, it gives me too much responsibility.
On a whim, I checked whether the domain name ishootmodels.com was available. It wasn’t. However, UKReg came up with some interesting possible alternatives:
ifiremodels.com
idischargemodels.com
ilimbmodels.com
iignitemodels.com
iboughmodels.com
ibombardmodels.com
ibranchmodel.com
iblastmodel.com
It took me a while to work out where they were coming from with the limb & branch stuff, but I got there. None of them are really suitable alternatives, but could be handy if I ever get into the model-blasting business.
I just read this on somebody’s Myspace bulletin. It’s great:
When you occasionally have a bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
_______________________
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered and said ‘hello’.
I politely said “This is David, could I please speak to Robert Campbell?”.
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f*king number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone would be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert’s number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. The same guy answered the phone and I yelled “you’re a C*nt!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the name ‘C*nt’ next to it, and put it in my desk draw. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a very bad day, I’d call him up and yell “You’re a C*nt!”
It always cheered me up.
When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘C*nt’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said “Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I’m calling to see if you are familiar with are caller ID program?”
He yelled ‘No’ and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said; “That’s because you’re a c*nt”!
One day soon after I was at lakeside shopping centre getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal Range Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled I’d been waiting for that spot but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a “for sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ‘C*nt’ (I now had his number on speed dial) I thought I’d better call the Range Rover C*nt too. I said “Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Range Rover for sale?”
“Yes it is” he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Sure. I live 129 Alice Street in Illford, it’s a terraced house and the car is parked right out in front.”
“Who should I ask for?”
“My name is Steven Hansen” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Steve”?
“I’m at home most days as I’m currently unemployed”.
“Listen Steve can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Steve you’re a C*nt”! Then I hung up and added him to my speed dial too.
Now when I had a problem I had two arseholes to call.
I had an idea.
I called C*nt # 1
“Hello, You’re a C*nt!” (I didn’t hang up)
“Are you still there” ? he asked
“Yea” I said.
“Stop calling me” he screamed.
“Make me”, I said.
“Who are you” he asked.
“My name is Steve Hansen”
“Yeah where do you live”.
“C*nt I live at 129 Alice Street Illford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal Range Rover parked in front.”
He said “I’m coming over right now, Steve. And you better start saying your prayers”.
I said “Yeah like I’m really scared C*nt” and hung up.
Then I called C*nt # 2, “Hello” he said.
“Hello C*nt” I said.
He yelled “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your arse” he exclaimed.
I answered “Well C*nt here’s your chance I’m coming over right now”.
Then I hung up and immediately called the Police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel Five news about a hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice street. I got there just in time to see two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six Police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
Now I feel much better; anger management really does work.
Latest Comments
WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_comments.MYI' (errno: 145)]
SELECT comment_post_ID, post_title FROM (wp_comments LEFT JOIN wp_posts ON (comment_post_ID = ID)) WHERE comment_approved = '1' AND (wp_posts.post_status='publish' OR wp_posts.post_status='static') ORDER BY comment_date DESC;