Category Archives: Funny

Open letter to Vodafone

I recently switched my mobile phone from Vodafone (who I’ve foolishly stuck with these last nine years) to O2. I couldn’t resist firing a parting shot off to Vodafone’s CEO’s office, detailing my reasons for leaving:

I am writing to you as somebody who was a Vodafone customer for 9 years, but who has recently switched to O2 to due increasing dissatisfaction with Vodafone. I hope that you will be able to learn from my unhappy experiences, and improve your service to remaining customers.

The final straw which led me to abandon Vodafone was being asked to pay for a new handset which Vodafone offers free to new subscribers, even though it was more than 2 years since my last phone upgrade and 9 months since my fixed monthly contract expired.

I might have been tempted to avoid the hassle of changing operators, had I not just endured the hell of Vodafone’s “customer service” line. I assume that you have never used this “service”, so allow me to talk you through it.

On calling the “customer service” number, the customer is asked to key in their mobile phone number. I can only assume that the person who implemented this procedure has never used a mobile telephone: a mobile telephone is generally a small self-contained unit, with a keypad that is somewhere between the mouthpiece and earpiece. It is usually used by holding the device to the ear. This tends to preclude use of the numeric keypad, except for those lucky few who have fingers growing out of their ears.

Having keyed in one’s telephone number and waited for an indeterminate length of time, one is then put through to an operator. Without fail, this person will then ask the caller to give their mobile telephone number (the same number as was just keyed in using one’s ear-fingers). It is almost inevitable that this person will not be able to assist directly, but will transfer the call to another person, who again requires the caller’s mobile telephone number. Sometimes, before being allowed to speak to this second person, an automated system demands that one first key in one’s mobile telephone number. Often the second person will not be able to deal with the query, and so (after keying in one’s mobile telephone number) the caller will have to tell a third operator what their mobile telephone number is and, hopefully, finally get an answer to their query.

If you ever visit Sheffield, I would like to introduce you to my local minicab office. They have some sort of space-age system in there, I believe it’s called Caller Line Identification or somesuch, which means that as soon as they answer the phone to me they can tell me my telephone number. Talk about rocket science!

Joking aside, a company which claims to be involved in telecoms really ought to have an understanding of CLI. A company that repeatedly asks its customers to first key in and then recite their telephone number is not a telecoms company, it is a fly-by-night cowboy outfit. I would not trust such a company to drive my minicabs, let alone rely on it for my telephony services.

The final reason why I left Vodafone is its clumsy and antidiluvian approach to the Internet. In the days of Vizzavi, Vodafone’s Internet service was a very poorly structured “walled garden”. I assumed that things would get better with Vizzavi’s demise, but they got worse and have continued to go downhill from there. I now find it impossible to use “Vodafone Live”, as it takes me an eternity to navigate past screens full of adverts for ringtones and downloadable pornography. The whole site screams out that this is a company who lost its shirt gambling on 3G licences, and is trying to recoup its investment by fleecing its customers in any way possible. Even the recent deregulation of Internet services on Vodafone was overshadowed by the ridiculously high data tariffs.

As you can gather, I am no longer a fan of Vodafone. I am sorry to leave a company that I have had a relationship with for 9 years, but I am no longer willing to stick around in the hope that things will one day improve. However, I hope that you will take seriously the comments made in this letter, and that perhaps they will help you to improve the lot of Vodafone’s remaining inmates.

Yours Sincerely,

Dan Sumption

One of my Favourite Singers

First, a little background: Lola has recently become more and more proficient using computers and the Internet. Under the tutelage of her cousin Beth, she has learnt to use Youtube, and now spends most of her online time switching between Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani videos. Last week she asked me who I preferred, Avril or Gwen. Tough question. I went for Gwen.

This morning, Lola was watching/listening to Avril Lavigne. Then, she switched to a Gwen Stefani track. As the intro music played, she shouted out to me “Dad, one of your favourite singers is about to come on!”

I had to clarify her statement: “one of my favourite singers out of Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani.” Gill and I couldn’t stop giggling for the next five minutes. We had “a moment”. Perhaps you had to be there…

I already know that!

From the mouths of babes… come a great many amusing, fascinating and enlightening utterances. I never seem to write many of them down here – something I regret because I know that most of them slip from memory all too easily, and I often beat myself up over my laxness when I read some of Scot’s bloggings on the sayings of his son Miles.

Rowan and even Lola are now pretty much too grown-up and sassy to come out with cute sayings. Almost. This weekend, Lola had her hair cut. “People at school kept telling me that I’ve had my hair cut”, she told Gill on her way back from school today. “But I already know that!”

What’s Blue and White and Very Funny?

Ever since the age of about 13, I have had a favourite joke. It’s one that’s remained constant over about 25 years. But it’s also part of a series of jokes, and I’ve long since forgotten the two jokes that lead up to it. I’ve even searched the Internet several times – after all, everything is on the Internet, right? But, no such luck, although variations on the joke do exist online, I’ve never managed to track down the entire series.

So I was amazed when, on Saturday night, I started telling my “all time favourite joke” to Marsha and Fay. A slightly amazed look passed over Marsha’s face as I began the joke, and when I finished it she said “I know that joke! It’s one of my favourites too”. She also couldn’t remember the entire series, but she remembered a little more than me, and her additional bits helped me to fill in the gaps.

Discussing it further, we realised that we are almost the same age and must have heard it at around about the same time. Seems that this joke meme was a very short-lived one, so we decided to revive it. Here goes…

What’s white and sits in a tree?

Continue reading What’s Blue and White and Very Funny?

I Ignite Models

I will soon be doing another model photo-shoot. This kind of thing makes me nervous. I have too much control, and I hate having too much control, it gives me too much responsibility.

On a whim, I checked whether the domain name ishootmodels.com was available. It wasn’t. However, UKReg came up with some interesting possible alternatives:

ifiremodels.com
idischargemodels.com
ilimbmodels.com
iignitemodels.com
iboughmodels.com
ibombardmodels.com
ibranchmodel.com
iblastmodel.com

It took me a while to work out where they were coming from with the limb & branch stuff, but I got there. None of them are really suitable alternatives, but could be handy if I ever get into the model-blasting business.